PEOPLE: Altered Personalities

It is not true that quitting smoking makes you a better person. In your own eyes, you know yourself for what you really are: A pitifully weak jelly mass that is dependent upon a bit of tobacco rolled up in paper and lit aflame. If you falter in your attempt to quit, you are not only weak you are a liar, because you sure ain’t gonna admit you’ve been scrambling through the trash to find a butt that’s lightable beyond the filter. Throughout all this you’re quite obnoxious, and this personality trait is one that will stick with you throughout your non-smoking life. I have, of course, good reason to stop, but man…it’s hard.