This evening, when I explained to my Spanish Professor why I hadn’t progressed much in the language between semesters and what I had been doing that has changed my goals and immediate plans, he said that it sounded as if I am self actualizing. I vaguely remember Maslow’s Psychological theory and fear that I’m really not that far along yet, though perhaps it is a good way of sticking a label on what I’ve been going through intellectually and emotionally these past couple of months that will help me understand it.
The self-centeredness that I confess in this journal, setting a focus that’s related to my own needs and realizing the potentials, is not the way I’ve been brought up to think, and though you’ve known me a very short time, please do believe that the very act of writing in this public journal for all to read is not something I could ever have done until now. Telling strangers my thoughts, sans the mask of fictional titles or subtleties hidden within short stories or poetry is foreign territory, and most of my experience or desires has only been told to the most intimate of friends, and none know all. But with or without an audience, I need to express the changes that are happening and this seems to be the means.
This is a personal but necessary undertaking, and I hope that while Spinning is becoming the mirror that serves to reveal myself to me, that it has enough going on in other areas that it remains a source of entertainment to others, and a practice of writing skills for myself. This hike I find myself on has been forced by time and circumstance, situation and people all coming together at the very instant of fertility, and there’s no way I can stop its conception and development at this point.
Boring to most of you, I’m sure, and so I may set up a warning post title which could lead you to avoid this Susanizing process, but then, the writing is the impetus and the path.
I’ll lighten up and try to be more amusing tomorrow.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology