This is one post I’ve wanted to make for a while, but it seemed so preachy and holier-than-thou that I’ve held off. But it’s about something that irks me and will stick with me unless I try, in the nicest way possible for me, to get it out and maybe spread a little thoughtfulness as well.
As I’ve mentioned, one of my best friends has been diagnosed with lung cancer and is undergoing intensive chemotherapy and radiation right now, and suffering greatly from the effects of the cure in the process. What has bothered me is that often when I bring up the diagnosis to someone, I’m met with a spontaneous, “Did she smoke?” Well, …yes. But why would you ask?
I translate your interest as anything from, “Hmmph, what’d she expect?” and “Oh, that’s okay then,” to “She asked for it,” and the more self-centered, “Whew, thank God. I was afraid it started affecting non-smokers.”
Lung cancer is one of the few that can be traced to several possible causes, the most well-known being smoking and asbestos. Never have I had anyone ask, “Did she inhale asbestos fibers?” One of my aunts died at age fifty-five from lung cancer; she had never smoked a cigarette in her life, nor handled asbestos. Another aunt of mine puffed away well into her eighties. There are other contributing factors obviously.
While I thoroughly understand the injustice of cancer, and the risks of getting it that people take as well, it’s the attitude that bothers me. Would you flippantly stand in front of someone’s casket and ask the surviving spouse, “Car crash, eh. Did he drive?” Or, “Heart attack…well, he really did love his beef bourguignon and chocolates.”
And of course the money comes into it as well. No, we’re not all paying more for the incorrigible smoker who gets his just desserts and is a drain on the system. Smokers, like bad drivers pay much higher premiums (as well as heavy duty taxes on the purchase of cigarettes). As far as I know, aside from certain circumstances, no one is asked to pay extra premiums for extra pounds of weight over the so-called “normal” for one’s height and age, or X amount of dollars per mph driven over the speed limit daily.
Please, consider the situation and the feelings of those involved with the disease. Life is unfair, and even when all care is taken, it still manages to knock us down eventually. It doesn’t really matter much why someone is facing death—we’re all going to be killed from living anyway. How doesn’t usually make it any less tragic for the loved ones dealing with an illness or left grieving when a battle is lost.
You can certainly think it—the studies support your position, and I defend your right to speak it; but forgive me please if it gives me a fleeting notion of you as an insensitive, judgmental clod, which I’ll tolerate and soon overcome when faced regularly with the normal caring, understanding you.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
Your points are extremely well taken. I will say this however: from a patient’s view, it matters a great deal why someone is facing death. Often lifestyle and heredity are important contributing factors to many serious health problems. People who are interested and concerned should feel free to ask questions or seek information from a health professional. Facing death is difficult enough, but made much worse knowing it could possibly be prevented with proper education and lifestyle changes. I say this as someone currently in remission from a usually terminal form of cancer. If i sound preachy, i don’t mean to. As i said, your points are quite valid. Folks often could use a little more tact whenever they speak. But if someone asks the question, give them an honest answer, including what was wrong about how they asked.
Hi Susan,
I can understand how you feel. Insensitive people are just that, and education won’t change their behavior. Someone that I worked with in a former role called me shortly after my diagnosis. She had the audicity to say to me, “so I see eating hot dogs and PB&J sandwiches really worked out for ya.” AS IF, to say that my diet had somehow contributed to this cancer. But you know what, she was a jacka** before I had cancer, so there was no reason to think that she’d be anything else now. I’m not even sure why she bothered calling. Probably so that she could tell people that she “did call”. I’m a bit popular with IT executives at work, so she no doubt thought it best to cover her bases.
As humans, I think we are essentially afraid and the weakest of among us need a way of explaining things. They need to assure themselves that someone or something was at fault, so that they can feel save that it won’t happen to them. My mother is one of those types of people. If a tragedy befalls you, she’s going to find someway of pinning it on you. You could be stopped at a traffic light and rammed from behind but somehow you contributed to the accident. To think otherwise is way to scary. It would mean that anything, can happen to anyone at anytime and they can’t handle a world like that.
Lauren
Hi Anne. I did try to consider this subject from the patient’s point of view, and perhaps I am just as guilty of thoughtlessness in not covering that aspect as well. I do apologize to you and others who may take offense; it was not intended, and I realize there are many different faces to this as well as all things in life.
My point, as you’ve seen, was mainly that when something like disease or death hits us, it’s not the time for coulda’s, woulda’s and shoulda’s. Gonna’s are what to concentrate on for the future, but smugly placing blame doesn’t help a situation when people are hurting–even if it’s from something they brought upon themselves. My love for my friend and another “Oh, she smoked…” was what got me started this morning.
I’m glad to hear you’re beating this disease, and Although I realize that the fear will never go away completely, I hope you never have the cloud threatening to rain on you again. Thanks for your insight…my thoughts and prayers are with you too.
Lauren, once again you hit the nail on the head. We tend to blame someone or something for everything bad that happens–it’s human nature–and even I am guilty of it. And though I claim to be tolerant, I too rush to judge these comments when sometimes it’s just hard for people to find the right thing to say. Emotion rules, I guess. Thanks for showing me yet another side.
Susan, I hope your friend will be OK … it’s a devastating disease. Take care that you get lots of rest and don’t let yourself get run down … its very difficult for friends and family going through this as well.