“There’s something happening here,
What it is ain’t exactly clear…”“Stop, hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down…”
(For What It’s Worth, Lyrics; Buffalo Springfield)
I feel it, the breaking down of the last stronghold. Writing is in danger of being shadowed by the same cloud that’s been blocking the light from the rest of my reality. It’s a feeling of I can’t think, do I have to, slowly winding down to I don’t want to, I don’t care.
Everything is so overwhelming that it just doesn’t seem possible anymore. But there are gotta-do’s, and that’s what is saving me right now. The gotta do’s are gaining rank in priority, and they’re finally getting done by sheer force of willpower and learned sense of commitment and responsibility.
In the past couple of days I faced the great outdoors. I dressed in cutoffs and oldest tee-shirt to get into gardening mood. The woman staring rather confusedly back at me in my mirror looked like a gardener. She stood there for a moment, wordless, turned her back on me and left me standing there. She went outside, I think, and gardened.
Losing the will to write is the point at which I draw the line at sinking further down. The words have kept me afloat amidst unvacuumed rugs and growing impatient customers.
Maybe this will be my Last Stand, but I am no gallant, unthinking Custer. I have always been an Indian. So I shall write. Forgive me, but I must go on the warpath now.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
There’s an article in The New Yorker by Joan Acocella titled “Blocked” that you might find interesting. It doesn’t say anything all that earth shaking, but does give a historical and cultural look at writer’s block and tries to examine why it occurs. (in the 6/14 &6/21 issue) It opens by describing Coleridge’s anguish at not being able to write. I’m trying to get back to the time when writing was risky and pleasurable. I’m trying to not want anything more than that.
Thanks, Patrice. I did see the article and found it pretty interesting. There was also a post on one of my linked weblogs that reviewed the idea but I just can’t seem to find it now.