SELF ANALYSIS: The Morning After

Yes, I have had mornings in my past where I’ve awakened, looked to my left and said, "ohmygod!"

But with the self-imposed bridle of marriage, thank God, those days are past.  It seems that I can’t break old habits however and have merely transferred my lack of willpower into other areas, and this morning is one of those mornings that I can’t shake the regret of bad behavior.

Now I’m not being tough on myself, I’m being honest–and probably not tough enough because I should have learned when I was given the chance to redeem myself, did the work, then carelessly allowed laziness or enthusiasm in any other area but Statistics to become, yes, a slider.  I easily had an A within my grasp, almost blew it, made it up, then blew it on the final by not putting in the necessary effort; talking myself out of studying by one excuse after another.  Not getting an A because it would have been difficult for me is one thing; throwing it away because of sheer stubbornness to apply myself to the task is another.

This is where I value grades—not because of the status, but because it is a reflection of the effort and thus a reward that is earned through hard work.  If I had tried my damnedest and earned a D, I would still be more proud of myself.

I ain’t proud of myself this morning.  But whatever grade I end up with in the course will be in direct ratio to the grade level of myself I put into it.  Let’s hope it’s a wakeup call.

This is another good thing about weblogging–even if it need be done before an audience–it’s a way of looking at yourself honestly, not dodging around or sticking your head in the sand (which is something I’ve tended to do).  I’m not looking for sympathy, I’ve got what I wanted from this and a few other entries–comprehension.  I look back now at a post I made last week titled "Facing-Up", an obvious play on words, and an obvious coat for the entry that simply stated, "Sometime during the night my head unscrewed.  As I arose, it fell into my lap."

Now I know what I meant, what was coming out in vague, strange words.  The title and two sentences said so much, and I only see it now.  I was well aware of what I was doing but was unwilling at that point to face it and overcome the problem, but chose instead to write a few words in acknowledgement that made me just a little less of a liar to myself.  Why didn’t I just do the obvious; screw my head back on?

Neat to go through the mental process of analyzing yourself.  Must have been that special on Freud last night that was on TV subliminally sorting things out while my main concentration was on a video game.