No, I’m not back here for sure, but I realized a few things that make me know I’ve got to put some more thought into it before I press that "delete this blog?" button on Spinning.
I’ve been working outside gardening and have plenty of time to think. I’ve come to realize that once discovering weblogs and the ease with which we use them to get our thoughts written down, it becomes obvious that for the most part, we do this for ourselves rather than an audience. While I appreciate the five or so readers who were kind enough to note that they’d miss me here, I do firmly believe that we adjust to the loss of our blogging friends. We can’t do this for others unless we too get something from it; the satisfaction of a comment, or just the need to get something said. In particular, the habit I’ve developed of writing my thoughts down on what I’m reading is a help to me, getting my thoughts organized, giving voice to the excitement or whatever emotion has been stirred, reinforcing my reading. It’s great to get opinions on that, of course, and especially different viewpoints. But I need to get it said. (In truth, one of the main twinges has been about finishing reading The Shadow of the Wind and not writing about it.)
I have tried to write into Word–seeings that the pleasure is in the writing. It just doesn’t work. There’s something about the setup of a weblog post that invites. The fact that it may be shared is an added attraction. There’s also a false sense of deadline about an online journal that doesn’t exist with a word processing program for a procrastinator such as I.
What brought the thought to mind of closing the weblogs was just one more thing that tipped the scales in some heavy duty self indulgent reflections lately. Waiting nearly three months, going through two interviews, wanting and yet not wanting a particular job, coming to accept that it would give us a lot more financial stability, that it was a golden opportunity, that it would mean we could go ahead with a house addition that we’ve been afraid to risk since we’ve been here. To lose it meant more than all this; it meant that it wasn’t my skills, nor my age, but my own presentation in the final interview that failed me. That in itself might be hurtful and enlightening, but coming on top of lots of other failures and disappointments these past two years was the lightning bolt that needed to hit me. There’s a need to overhaul what I’ve come to think of as me. I can bounce back, but it’s more important to discover if there’s attitude changes that need to made rather than just ride the edge of the same rut without ever learning to be.
So I do have to think about things, think about what direction I need to take to achieve some peace and restore some confidence. Please bear with me. It looks like I will be opening a new blog as a fresh start, and don’t even know whether it’ll be public or just serve as a place for me to write things down. In the meantime, I’m looking into ways of saving portions of Spinning such as the Literature Category and transferring it easier as a whole rather than post by post which would be a ridiculous task and unjustifed.
Likely I’ll be at the very least posting occasionally on the books I’m reading. As a matter of fact, I’m planning a final entry on The Shadow of the Wind for tonight.
I don’t need a change; I need to change. That’s going to take some brain time.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
Susan, only you know in your heart what is calling you away from here. You have so much to offer in so many ways and I am sure that you will find your niche in this world that needs you so much.
Loretta, what’s calling me away is only bad stuff; bad stuff that needs sorting out before I can get back to the good stuff like this and friends like you.
Thanks, Lady; I appreciate your wisdom always.
Only you can decide whether to blog. Do it for yourself, if you do it at all. I just wanted you to know I enjoy reading your thoughts. I go back and forth myself on whether to continue and what to blog about — how personal to get. There are days I shouldn’t be allowed on the Internet. I have three blogs, for different types of posts, and sometimes I wonder why I don’t just toss them all together like a salad and let the readers pick out what they don’t want, because what a hassle to have them divided into three. They’re all me.
Please don’t beat yourself up about that interview. There could be a reason completely unrelated to how you performed that caused them to hire someone else. Since you can’t know all about the other applicants, you’ll never know why, and there’s no sense second-guessing yourself. It’s not usually a rejection of any candidate, so much as finding the one who appears to be the best fit, and those doing the hiring don’t always know that. It’s always an educated guess, and not very educated at that, more like deciding whom to marry after one or two dates. As with dating, it’s best to be yourself, because you don’t want to twist yourself in pretzel shapes trying to impress these people that you’re someone you’re not for the next few years. You just want to be able to do a good job and get paid.
When I sat on the other side of the table, hiring people, I quickly learned there are people who perform better in an interview but aren’t very good performers on the job, and vice versa, as well as every combination of those extremes. Some have an overinflated idea of their own abilities, and others an underinflated one. An interview can only help those hiring learn pieces of information that aren’t in the resume and aren’t provided by references. It doesn’t reveal everything. This can be very frustrating for willing applicants who know they’d be good employees (though we don’t always know what job we want or will be good at), as well as for those doing the hiring (they don’t always know what they want or need). Prospective employers can’t know everything they most need to know, or everything you want them to. They only know what they see, and do their best to judge. Some are better at judging than others.
Hiring is always a gamble. And we all know that even after lots of dating and sometimes even living together, half of all marriages end in divorce.
But I’ve also found the right job comes along when the time is right. Enjoy life as best you can in the meantime.
Barbara, you’re so kind and caring, and I really do appreciate it. You’re one of those who have kept me going. I think I’ve decided to hold on for a while; just try to keep out the tendency to vent. I too had several weblogs going but found that aside from a particular topic, such as new media, I would write more easily in one and just title them with the category to make it easier for those reading to pass over the postings they had no interest in and focus on the topics they were.
As far as the job goes, it was where I’d gotten my degree recently and I love the atmosphere. What bothered me most–aside from the natural first hurt of rejection–was that I myself had blown it because I really didn’t let them know how much I wanted it. That came from really not knowing myself, since I have to change my ways and close down a 20-year old business to make the switch to working for someone else. I’m sure my attitude came through so I can’t blame anyone but myself, regardless of my initial ranting.
I’ve learned something about the ways of the business world and about myself in the process. Some things may need to change, even here in Spinning, but I can’t cut off my nose to spite my face just because I don’t measure up to my own standards or that of others.
Thanks again, Barb. You’ve been a real help and support in this tough time.