WRITING: A Bottle of Beer – Editing MCLVII

Another small example of annihilating ‘lazy’ words:

Original:

A scorpion skittered across the porch, stopped in front of the rocker, fled from Yolanda’s sandal as she lifted her foot to annihilate it.  It had noticed the change in light, the shadows, the movement of air in the motion. It lived by its wits and it now smiled in its victory of simple survival.

A safe distance away, from the dangers of the leathered foot and the long swoop of the rocker
curve, the little scorpion recovered its grace. It held its tail curled up proudly over its back and sallied past the lesser bugs and beetles who watched in admiration from crevices in the walls and floors of Yolanda’s house.   (111 words)

New Version:

A scorpion skittered across the porch, stopped in front of the rocker, fled as she lifted her foot.  It had noticed the change in light, the movement of air in the motion.

A safe distance away, the scorpion curled its tail high over its back and sallied past the lesser beetles who watched in admiration from crevices in the walls and floors. (62 words)

Is it a matter of how many words?  Though it would seem so as I’ve put the word count here, that’s not the case.  It’s more a realization of what is necessary and what just isn’t.  Imagery may not sound like it’s a necessary thing in story, but it is, and that’s why it’s not just an O/D of imagery I’m cutting out.  It’s repetition of action that needs to go for one thing, since it lessens the impact and often goes so far as to imply that the reader isn’t going to ‘get it’ without the pounding in. 

The blue threads of links in A Bottle of Beer are bits of instinct, contrasting with perhaps the green threads of how human beings screw up their lives in following their emotions instead.  These "blue" bits then, are necessarily as quick and to the point as instinct is

These postings, here and on Hypercompendia or Spinning, are not the ‘how-to’s’ of writing from a pro; they are the discoveries of a writer.