Vacillation is one of my most highly developed traits, and one that is self-defeating to a writer. So I’m going with Joe Bazooka’s advice (God, weren’t these comics funnier when I was a kid–this one’s about Wall Street and M-TV!) that reads like a Chinese fortune straight outta the cookie: So, what are you waiting for?
Because I’m faced with deadlines for submission and playing Devil’s Advocate and having a terrible argument (another of my more endearing facets) with one single dumb story, and my most dedicated readers have been lost through death or disinterest (or pretending the former I suspect), may I ask your valued opinion on just the few opening paragraphs of a story? (Honest, that’s all I’ve linked to.) If I can get some input that most likely will confim my own leaning on this, I may make those deadlines yet.
If you are of the mind and have a minute, I’d appreciate your feedback via comments here or e-mail if they’re that embarrassing on: Big Tim Dawson
Thanks to all who venture here!
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
I thought it was very good. I was pulled into the character of Big Tim Dawson, enough so that I gasped at the image of his body floating out to sea.
I don’t have any wrong notes or clunkers to take issue with, but one very small (teeny?) thing was the use of the word “teeny,” which didn’t seem to fit in with the other vocabulary. I’m not even sure it’s a real word, is it? And the other words were all so well-chosen and precise.
Overall, I think it’s a great start! Now, what are you waiting for? 😉
Hmmm, not to be snarky, but these paragraphs seem to suffer a litle from over-metaphorizing. I mean, first he’s a mountain, then the sun, then a lighthouse, then a storm of some kind, and finally a whale. And that’s just in the first few paragraphs. I think you can describe him wihout the comparisons.
I love the second paragraph, though. Much tighter.
}:|
Let’s read a book together and argue about it.
This is good; I’m going to hold off on response until I hopefully get a couple more comments.
Now, see? I didn’t notice the metaphor thing, but then I love metaphor and probably overuse it myself. Interesting…
Well these comments, and a few more I’ve received via e-mail have sent me back to the keyboard. Although no one has yet mentioned the part that started to bug me.
Hello,
Keep doing what you’re doing and maybe lose some of the prepositions. Anyway, I hope I didn’t butcher your story too much. I had trouble trying to scroll around in this little window and copy and past, but I hope it’s enough to give you an idea. Does this have a main POV? I was curious. Thanks, Liz
…His wife saw dawn in his rising each morning. Always him first, the great gradual weight of his body leaving their bed — a ball of sun pushing through the horizon and mattress resettling into flat delta.
…He’d learned to catch the catfish and black eel and gar, and the long-legged frogs and the crawfish. He knew the swamplands, the banks of the river, and could smell the subtle difference in seasons.
…Everybody in the small, Louisiana gulf coast town liked Tim Dawson. He stood six feet-four, solid as a lighthouse, iron stanchions of legs and arms as strong as steel I-beams. His voice boomed thunder and his laughter galed like an August hurricane.
…When the fourth storm of the season broke down the levee, the waters rushed through. In the dead of a Saturday night, sleep-dazed folk had no time to do anything else but climb up on their roofs and look down in despair to watch the body of Big Tim Dawson floating through the street — a great whale returning to sea.
I see what you’re doing here, Liz, and I think it’s an excellent suggestion. It takes a bit of the formality out of it and makes it a little more immediate. I’m going to read through the rest of the story and see how it affects the voice, try it on for comfort and get used to it. Thank you so much for taking the time and pointing this out!