At long last I read the words that have been pointed out to me many months ago:
"Am I a monster? Are there monsters in me?"
There is a bond I feel with Suttree, not of lifestyle or way of thinking, but something that has me want to cradle him at times like this. He has been hurt in life and has risen above it. He has hurt others. But Suttree has a conscience. He is aware that by his actions he sets his course, and accepts it to ride the waves. But every now and then something happens in his life, something that makes him wonder, something that makes him doubt himself and take more blame than he deserves. At the moment he speaks the words, he is in the midst of a thunderstorm, challenging lightning to strike him; perhaps challenging God, or himself.
Wanda has been killed by a landslide. She was the oldest daughter of Reese, the family Suttree’s been staying with a while in hopes of finding some wealth through musseling, then staying on because he has nothing better going back at his place on the river, then staying on, perhaps, because he has found love of sorts, a lust and caring in this girl-woman, and then she dies. This is when he leaves the family and returns back to his home on the river, but things have changed.
Does Suttree blame himself for Wanda’s death, just for her being with him? When Suttree helped Leonard dispose of his father’s long-dead body, Suttree went to church, and then went to the woods and stayed there for a few weeks. I think he needed to find something that was good in life, something away from the despair and hurt that surrounded him among the lives of his friends. I think he needed to feel clean and fresh; the things he does, the things he sees, have filled him to the bursting point, are just a bit beyond his control.
There’s more to Suttree, and there’s less to him. But still I want to hold him and tell him he’s all right.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology