I’m sitting here, facing 25 pages of papers for Western Civ, and probably another 15 – 20 for Creative Writing, and while of course I’ll do it, the feeling is that I want to stop having to do it.
I don’t know how the kids do it; go through sixteen, sometimes eighteen or twenty straight years of school and testing and writing papers. Being judged every day except for summertime. Getting graded.
Of course for kids, it’s a necessary learning segment of their lives–at least up until they’re sixteen, hopefully at least through high school. But maybe because of my age, my enthusiasm is starting to wane. I’ve enjoyed or at least was interested in the majority of the classes all through elementary and high school, and these two stretched out to four college years. But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of working my butt off for deadlines and having someone stick even an A on my forehead.
We’re judged every day of our lives in one way or another, but we’re not given grades as such, although most companies do have an established evaluation system which continues the stress beyond scholastic achievements until retirement. No more "you’re doing a great job and will get a raise this year" or "you’ve been warned about your work and I’m afraid we’ll have to let you go." We’re all on paper, shown the paper with the grading system.
I’m probably toughest on myself–both in comparison to others’ opinion of me and my opinion of others. I’m just tired of having to measure up to their standards when I have a hard enough time measuring up to my own that are of a completely different value. Though of course, some of them are related. Right now, my writing is horrible. Everything I’ve written, every word, phrase, sentence and paragraph is blah and uninspiring, until tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe I can write well enough to be satisfied.
But I sure don’t feel like it will be.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
Too bad we’re our own worst critics … if we weren’t so harsh with ourselves, we might be able to see that we’re actually so much better than we ever give ourselves credit for, and if only we could recognize this, we’d be pretty satisfied in most things. Alas, we look too closely and judge too harshly, and next thing you know it doesn’t seem we’ll ever measure up.
Somewhere along the line you’ve forgotten that you’re a mature adult struggling in a young person’s world of education … don’t you think it’s rather amazing that you’ve been holding your own, and don’t you think it’s beyond incredible that you’ve signed up for ANOTHER semester of such punishment? You have tenacity, and don’t ever forget it. Now go write some more meaningless and senseless words. (*grin*)