REALITY:

Man, I tried four times to title this entry, and just can’t put it into the right words.

I’m feeling kind of a, well, like I guess you’d call it a Don Quixote syndrome.  I feel like I’m off tilting at windmills, seeking the impossible dream, trying to right wrongs within a system that calls the wrongs right and the rights wrong.  and I guess I’m kind of at the end of the journey–though I thought I’d just lost the trail for a while and picked it merrily up again–and getting tired.

Maybe Rutsville is the place to be, the place to live and decorate with white cotton curtains and a new mailbox post.  Maybe, because you don’t end up very far away if you ride around in circles, you’re better off just staying where you are and change the attitude, not the world.

I’m just incredibly tired.  After a year and a half of avoiding any stress and demanding the least of me I’ve ever allowed myself to slide by, I got back on the horse and hoisted up the flag;  a reason, a purpose, a cause. But you know, nothing that you do will ever really matter unless it’s so spectacular a boon to human life or lines their pockets.  It’s hard to fight with one arm waving sword ahigh and the other dragging others along the path with you to a goal.  And the "it’s just for me" attitude is just a consolation prize and not the pot of gold of satisfaction, so that’s not where it’s at.  But what makes it worth it, what makes donning boots, or suit of armor, or just the adding of a feather bonnet and some warpaint down one side of your face, worth it? 

I guess I just don’t have the fire inside me any more.