Geez, this post was going to be about the youthful exuberance and lack of fear among the confident youth facing the new semester, versus my own crawl-into-a-hole-where-I-can-just-reach-the-button-to-cancel-classes-via-computer-easy-way-out tendencies.
But in my early morning weblog travels, I see many my age merrily looking forward to classes starting. So…it must be me.
With age does come some sense of bravado, even if it’s pure stubborn adamance after years of kowtowing to the system and seeing the new generations getting away with real freedom of speech. Often, our new-found spine is set firm at the first sign of resistance, and often we plant our feet firmly in mud. I’ve been amazed by fellow students in particular pointing out qualities they think they see in me that lean towards confidence, leadership, decision, etc.–you know, all those good strong traits we dreamt about while quivering in our corners. Well frankly, I’m STILL quivering in that corner. I may have become a little more vocal in speaking up when necessary (but NEVER in class without provocation!) but godammit, I’m going freakin’ crazy in trying to keep myself from pushing those buttons and dropping out–something I’ve never done until lately, and something that I feel is where my newly acquired confidence is only used in a negative manner. Maybe there is a false sense of security in knowing I CAN cancel out. Wish I even had the slightest, even false, sense of security in thinking I can go through another semester.
But yes, I also have the experience of knowing that once I’m on my way, I’m usually fine. What I really need to learn then, in life and in writing about it, is to channel the stress into the story instead.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
I’ve long thought that someone would make millions by inventing the “momentumuminator” … something that automatically puts us in motion, and all we have to do is let the tide pull us along. Alas, instead we still have to suffer through putting one foot in front of the other, which isn’t nearly so hard as taking that first step.
You can do it. Just take that first step, and let the momentumuminator do the rest.
I don’t know how you do it, Susan. I don’t have a moment to do anything but the necessities of getting through the day. I am standing off in the wings, applauding you and sending you good vibes.