Just a start — “Eternal Universal Noise”
Oh, but where was that—
and why?
I heard again
the booming sound
that men make when
they fall.
Rivers fork their course
with blood;
thick and muddled
joyless noise to
wash the foreign banks
unloosing screams of
agitation.
Shouting from the shores–
useless
to the cause at hand,
you know;
no one can stop
the flowing of
the river.
Neptune giggles with
delight
white foam, black silt
rising, swelling
babbling brooks
run to rivers.
He grins to hear
a boom.
The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology
How about changing unloosing to loosing and work on that closing stanza. It reads loose. It’s the phrasing.
Yes, I know you’re right on the last stanza, and the 2nd and 3rd need trimming and “pointing” as well. Like most of my stuff, the opening lines are good, but it goes downhill from there, because the opening is always something that I can’t get out of my head and has come together both naturally and fine-tuned by repetition until I get it written down. The rest sometimes follows, but is always partially forced. Thanks for your input–I’m going to toss this one into Talespinning and do some work on it.