272/365 – REINCARNATION

Word Count: 270

In a past life I was a sugar maple tree. Men with metal cut into my skin. My sap flowed like blood at their touch. My children were seeded with the wind until I grew old and brittle. One night in a thunderstorm that whipped at my branches, pulled at my rain-soaked leaves, I toppled, uprooted and died.

In another I was a young vixen chased by the males every spring. Chased by horsemen and hounds in the bright beauty of autumn. Alone, I lay in my den with my babies in winter. Alone I faced one more spring.

Once I was a young girl in the desert with thick shiny black hair and dark eyes. My husband was four times older with breath the putrid scent of dead blossoms. I gave him four children, all daughters. At twenty I was murdered, my newborn baby girl slaughtered too on my breast. Buried together under the light of a half moon while young men smoked and laughed.

In my last life I was a virgin raped by the quarterback. A senior who afterward sputtered and called me a whore. He went on to Harvard. I birthed and gave his son up to strangers, went on to college and clawed my way in the world. I was the first executive caught in the downsizing. I was the first tragedy of the times.

I wait and I watch as the earth revolves, evolves into society’s utopian ideals. When asked to come back to grow into the first female president, I think very hard and go back to the end of the line.

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271/365 – THE BLACK BEAR

Word Count: 346

The lady next door has made friends with a black bear. It came through our backyards one spring day and she started to feed it. Now it eats from her hand.

Every summer I’ve watched her sitting out on the steps of her porch as it cautiously sneaks through the woods. It comes up to her and feeds from the plate at her feet. She waits until it has eaten before petting its head. It snuggles up to her then, and sometimes will doze with its head in her lap while she scratches its belly. I’ve heard her talk to it and some days she’ll sing a soft song.

In winter she sleeps in its den. She’s asked me to keep an eye on the house, leaves me a checkbook to pay four months’ bills. Like the electric–she’ll leave the lights on a timer–and the oil delivery which is surprisingly low, though I know she’s set the thermostat to its lowest. The telephone she’ll pay in advance since it’s always the same.

The lady next door had been lonely; her children married and gone. Her husband had died a decade ago and I tried to make up for the loss. But I never seemed to have time, as time went along, to just sit and talk over coffee. I see that now, but now is too late. She made friends with a bear. I guessed that the bear was a mother as well, mourning her own loss of her cubs.

I kept an eye out for her every spring, and she’d emerge, sleepy-eyed, hungry, and worn. We’d have lunch and I’d tell her about winter. Give her the news of the world. We spent less and less time together over the summer, and I saw that she spent more and more with the bear.

Then last spring she didn’t come back.

Sometimes in the early dawns I’d think I saw shadows slipping through the grey light of the mornings. One large and black, one dressed in paisley, and one smaller version of each.

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270/365 – WHAT I DO AT HOME WHEN THEY’RE GONE

Word Count: 264

John is the first one to leave in the morning, with a promise to call about what time he’ll be home from the office.

Darla hugs and kisses me goodbye; Jeff is too old for that now that he’s nine. Both carry backpacks of books and a lunch that includes cheese and an apple and a sandwich on whole wheat bread. Their snack is a chocolate flavored fiber bar and raw baby carrots that I’m certain they trade for potato chips if they can find someone willing.

I stand in the doorway and smile, shout “have fun!” and wave when they’re settled in by a window. The schoolbus drives away with a fart of black smoke and its rumble is lost up the street.

They are gone and my day is my own.

I clean up the kitchen, throw a load in the washer, shower and dress. Today I try out the blue eyeliner I bought on impulse and outline my eyes. I like the effect. I plan dinner and start something thawing on a refrigerator shelf. Wash and cut broccoli, scrub four potatoes, get everything ready in case I run late.

My bookshelves are loaded with classics as well as the latest New York Times bestsellers. This is the biggest decision of my day. The only one not left to routine. Colors and typeface and the name of the author all play a part in selection.

With a glass of iced tea within reach, I settle into my favorite chair, open my eyes and the book and I’m suddenly in Italy. Sometimes France.

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269/365 – WAITING

Word Count: 301

I sit in the dark in the marshmallow corner of the living room couch because the light would distract me and I don’t want to miss his call. I’ve shut off the movie I was watching, afraid I wouldn’t hear the phone ring. I don’t need to watch someone else’s passion; I replay last night in my head.

His name is Jason. Jason…something. It started, I think, with a D. He has black hair and a mustache. And eyes that make you believe you can fly.

He was standing at the bar ordering a draft beer and I brushed up against him to catch the bartender’s eye. He asked me what I was drinking and when I told him he ordered two beers and asked me my name.

“Pretty name,” he said, though I’ve always hated the sound. Karen. Like a knife cutting through clouds and dropping useless down to the floor. He was easy to talk with, had a nice easy smile. Made me feel prettier than just Karen. A few dances, another beer or two, and I brought him back to my apartment.

Where we made love, like love’s never been made ever before. Though I can’t think how he learned so much about women. With a carpenter’s hands, he carved out the passion in me. He taught me to please him, in the gentlest of ways, and I, was a willing learner. We slept, we made love. We made love and we slept. And sometime in the first light of the morning he left with a kiss and a promise to call.

So I sit in the dark in the soft settled curve of the corner of my living room couch. And though you may snicker or worry and warn, I know this time will be different.

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268/365 – ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TREES

Word Count: 316

The man on the other side of the trees is building something I know. There’s the clank-clank of the ladder, the humming buzz of the saw. I smell wood freshly cut.

It’s hot in these last days of summer. He’s working shirtless, I’m sure. His skin must be  brown from the sun, shiny with sweat. The lumber is heavy, his muscles must strain with the weight. Perspiration clings to the curled hair of his chest, where it grows landscaped as a V down into his jeans. He’s been laid-off. His wife is at work. And I’m doing my best to sort socks.

I add ice to my last morning coffee. The cup beads up with the chill. I stroke the sides gently, drawing pictures in the condensation with my finger. I take a deep sip of the coffee and lick the rim of the cup.

I’ve finished the laundry, re-pair the socks I’ve somehow mismatched as I put them away in his drawer. My husband is working at a desk somewhere in the city. He’s glassy-eyed from staring at numbers flashed on a monitor screen. He’s most likely into his third cup of coffee, hot though, steaming hot fresh from the pot in the small cafeteria on the first floor of his office. Where he’ll eat lunch. Probably a ham on rye sandwich.

My lunch is a large special salad. With hard boiled eggs cut in. A young thinly sliced cucumber and a mandarin orange pulled into segments, crisp crunchy lettuce and kale. Those cherry tomatoes that pop in my mouth with the slightest pressure of my tongue. And creamy, creamy Caesar dressing, that’s what I like on the top. I take it outside and sit on the deck at the table. In the backyard. I can’t see through the trees but Rod Stewart’s singing his heart out somewhere behind them. That, and the buzz of the saw.

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267/365 – MAY AND DECEMBER

Word Count: 263

You look at me differently though you say no, that’s not true. And I don’t have the courage to push it.

Ten years between twenty and thirty is nothing. I was a woman compared to the girls you’d been with. You were mature for your age. I asked if you’d still love me at sixty, seventy. You admitted that maybe when I was one hundred you might be tempted to look for a younger replacement. We laughed. You convinced me it was all going to work out fine.

Oh how I want to believe but there’s a shortness to your patience, an annoyance that’s replaced your amusement. Is that the years spent together or the years of age apart? I’ve learned not to complain about stiffness after I garden all day. I don’t mention the money I’ve spent on lotions and creams for my skin. We don’t make love with the light on anymore and my breasts that once reached down like ripe fruit above you now hang with a pendulance I feel I must hide. You believe that the streaks in my hair are still blonde.

There are secrets I’m keeping, places I won’t let you be. And though the sometimes puzzled look in your eyes like a child not getting the punch line is a hurt I must bear, I fear more the thought that you see what I see so clearly. I back off, do what I can, cover what I must, and we don’t talk about things anymore.

I’m afraid if we put it to words, it would be.

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266/365 – JEAN IN ALL HER DISGUISES

Word Count: 361

She comes to me as a hummingbird, zooming by, hovering when I sit outside with my cold cup of coffee hunched over my thoughts. She is the spirit of Jean, my best friend.

“Yes,” I tell her, “Mike’s fine.” Mike is, was, her husband. Married thirty years. I think I must tell her the truth. “He’s seeing some…..” She zooms off again.

She should know, I decide that. Then it dawns on me, maybe she does know and that’s what she’s here to tell me. She’s spent the winter down in Puerto Rico or maybe she just jumped aboard and took form here, in my backyard. In Mike’s backyard maybe, where she would hang out her own feeders.

Later that day she is at my kitchen window looking in at me. I turn off the faucet, move slowly. I don’t want to scare her away. I don’t know how much is her and how much is a hummingbird’s instinct.

“Hi, Lady,” I say. “Eat, eat. You need strength.” Does she? Will it bother her if her husband is with another woman now? She perches on the feeder, takes a few sips of nectar and stares in at me.

“Jean, he’s seeing someone,” I say. “A good woman who loves him. Is good to him.” She takes off.

I miss her so much. I miss the flea markets on Sundays and the breakfast stops we’d make to start out each trip. Sometimes I think that’s what she liked the best. I miss our secrets.

It’s late September and I’m starting to worry. The males have already flown south. She is the last one that visits so I still fill the feeders with fresh nectar daily. I hope she knows her way back to the sun and warmth and will leave before the frost and cold winter mornings. I must tell her to go. To be safe. To be happy.

I haven’t seen her in a few days, then suddenly she’s back. I look up from my huddled perch on the back step. “Jean, it’s me. it’s me.”

She dives and circles, stops at the feeder. Dives and circles again. Then she’s gone.

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265/365 – CYCLES OF THE SUN

Word Count: 242

I can’t help it. That song from the sixties runs through my head. Skeeter Davis.

Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don’t  they know, it’s the end of the world…

There’s a hollowness I’ve never felt before. My heart drum-echoes in my chest. The little I eat traces its way down my esophagus. I feel it drop into my stomach. I eat because I must but nothing tastes like anything anymore. Nothing matters.

It’s just another man who’s left me. Just another man. I’ve got millions more to swallow and vomit out. Love is my bulimia.

I do not walk, I shuffle. I do not speak when I can nod or shake my head instead. My lips recline in closed position in a sad sad smile. Enigmatic? Not at all. It’s simply much too hard to let in life.

It’s easier each time to ghost through crowds. There’s less of touching, bumping, feeling. Routine is automatic, I don’t remember getting dressed each day. I don’t recall my day as happening. I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done.

On weekends I live in the dark cold rooms, the sun blocked out because as Skeeter sings, it’s unaware.

Then one day he comes into my world and opens windows, feeds me words, shoves the sun and moon and stars back into place. And a ripe tomato tastes red and sweet again until it doesn’t anymore.

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264/365 – SHRINKAGE

Word Count: 394

I didn’t notice that my right foot was shrinking until my shoe fell off when I got out of the car. Once I realized that something was going on, I became more aware of it. Like when you slap at a mosquito and suddenly you’re itchy all over.

I checked my left foot because it seemed more likely that my left foot had swollen rather than my right foot shrinking. It just made more sense. The left was definitely bigger than the right if you looked closely. I soaked it in epsom salt solution and put on some Absorbine Junior though it didn’t look puffy and wasn’t sore. The next day it became obvious that instead, my right foot was shrinking.

Every day I looked and every day I thought I could see some discernible difference in the size of my feet. Not just shorter, but smaller all over. I stuffed the toe of the shoe with tissue. Put in an innersole. Then two tissues and double innersole. Then I had to break down and go to a podiatrist.

“No, no pain,” I said. “It doesn’t feel different at all except that it’s getting smaller every day.”

“That’s impossible,” he said.

“Well, look at it.”

“It’s not much smaller than the other one,” he insisted.

“It is!”

“It’s probably always been that way and you just never noticed.”

“No it hasn’t,” I said, “I think I would’ve noticed before now that my shoes don’t fit.”

“Maybe it’s the shoes,” he said. “Are they made in the U.S.A.?”

I went through three podiatrists with similar scenarios. I was up to five tissues and four innersoles in my right shoe. I bought two pairs of shoes in different sizes and threw the too-large right shoe and too-small left shoe away.

I didn’t notice I was listing until I realized it was raining into my left ear as I hop-skipped through the rain across the parking lot one evening after work.

And it just went on and on from there. A year later, I’ve shriveled to the height of a cat. Both sides are now about evenly gone and my head is the size of an apple. I’ve lost my job and have PeaPod deliver my groceries. Thank God for the internet or I’d really be lost because I can’t even reach the doorknob.

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263/365 – FRIENDS

Word Count: 716

Toby’s best friend was a frog named Jimmy though he didn’t tell the kids at school that Jimmy was a frog. He told them that Jimmy was two years older and lived next door and went to the Catholic school and that was all good because though they’d never seen him, Jimmy was older and wasn’t black or Puerto Rican or a Jew. They still picked on Toby but not as much as they would have.

Toby’s mother found the frog one day in the bottom of his closet in a shoebox. She hated things that jumped like certain spiders, grasshoppers and mice and frogs. She took the box outside and dumped Jimmy out on the edge of the back yard. When he headed for the house she smashed him with a shovel.

Toby thought that Jimmy had escaped. He looked around the bottom of his closet, moved his shoes and toys he no longer played with but couldn’t yet let go. He crawled around the corners of his room, moving chairs and lifting curtains and he looked beneath his bed. His heart sank at the fact of Jimmy missing. For many days he searched. He couldn’t ask his parents and his mother hadn’t mentioned the frog to his father. She didn’t mention it to Toby either since she hoped he’d just think it hopped away.

At school Toby pretended that Jimmy was still around. He felt the pang of lying though he never felt bad about the stories he’d made up before. He guessed it was the guilt of his not taking good enough care of his little friend that made him sad.

Toby found Jimmy the last day of summer vacation. He thought he looked a little small and thin and felt bad about that so he caught some bugs and crickets for the frog to eat. He put some leaves into the shoebox, a cup of water for a pond and a rock to sit on. He painted the inside of the box lid blue as if it were the sky.

By autumn’s end Jimmy had grown fat and full and though he never had before he started croaking low and rumbly late at night. Toby told his mother it was him and learned to mimic Jimmy’s mating calls to prove it.

A new boy came to the third grade and Toby and he became good friends. Kyle lived only two blocks away and so they sat together on the schoolbus. They both liked the same video games and hated girls. They had a lot in common. They even played together at each other’s house.

“Where’s your friend Jimmy live?” Kyle asked one day.

Toby didn’t know what to say. “He’s gone,” he said, but he wouldn’t look Kyle straight in the eye. “His dad got transferred and they moved away.”

That next Saturday, early, before Kyle came over on his bike, Toby took the shoebox out to the backyard. He lifted the lid, a little worried because lately he’d just been throwing in some dead bugs without even looking inside. Jimmy didn’t move. His eyes were closed. There were several dead flies and a legless cricket.

“Well, buddy, you’ll feel better now. You can go wherever you want and you don’t have to stay in that dark old box anymore.” Toby nudged the frog out on the edge of the grass. Jimmy didn’t move. Toby scrunched down and waited. He’d feel just awful if Jimmy was dead or so sick from neglect he couldn’t move. He watched until he was sure that Jimmy was breathing. Then Jimmy’s eyes opened and he resettled his long legs.

“Whew,” said Toby. “glad you’re okay. Take care of yourself.” He stood up and turned to go back inside and wait for Kyle. He’d walked just a few steps when Jimmy caught up with him and leaped ahead, waiting for Toby to catch up.

“No!” Toby cried. “You stay out here! Go!” He tried to outrace the frog to the back door but the frog was taking long leaps ahead of him. It sat just below the back step waiting for Toby to catch up.

Toby tried to chase Jimmy away but the frog  kept circling back until Toby picked up a rock and smashed it flat.

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